JasonUnbound

Feeling a loss

My car was broken into (again) last night, and I've lost some precious things. I was parked around the corner from the Bikram yoga studio on Shattuck in Berkeley. I was in class from 6-8pm, and when I came out, I found my window smashed. Three months ago, outside a party in SF, it was my car stereo and CDs. This time, it was my backback. "You're taking this really well," said the woman at the yoga studio front desk, when I came in to call the police. "Well," I shrugged, "it's just stuff." That was certainly true of my car stereo, but this time, not quite. My backpack was full of things that mean a lot to me, but are of no use to anyone else. Many of these things can't be replaced, and the loss hurts more than a little.

I assumed the thief would soon realize this, and would dump my backback. And so Jiwon and I went to work, walking up and down all the streets in the neighborhood, searching. Today happens to be garbage day, and so I stuck my nose in everybody's trash cans. I poked in the bushes, I peered into dumpsters, looking for my backpack. The process of looking itself was interesting, but ultimately fruitless and exhausting. I keep a lot of stuff in my backpack, and as I searched, I recalled more and more of the things that were in there.

There were personal letters, to-do lists, receipts, and newspaper clippings from my father. There were work papers, personal financial records, party invites, stickers. There was a library book from UC Berkeley, which I'll have to pay to replace. There were credit card statements from bills I'd just paid, so I have to cancel my credit cards.

The greatest loss, for me, is my 2005 date book. I write down everything I do in my date book. I write in future plans, but I also go back and retrospectively write what I've actually done. I do this every year, and I have date books going back to 9th grade. They are my personal history, my archive, I record my life in them, and 2005 will now be the missing year. I know it's just stuff, but it's still a little bit heartbreaking.

Jiwon said the sweetest thing when we got home: "I'll love you more to make up for it," she said. It's hard to imagine how she could love me any more, and that in itself is a beautiful reminder that the best things in life...are not things.